Hey, here's a tip for new fathers: never buy a book called Massaging Your Baby as a gift for your wife, unless you have already purchased something like Massaging Your Wife: a Husband's Guide, too.

No sooner than six months after you've bought these two books, you may go out and buy a copy of Husband's Guide to Self-Massage After Everyone Else Is Relaxed And Asleep for yourself, but only the soft-cover, and don't let anyone else seeing you read it or they'll think you don't know how to masturbate.