Wednesday, May 25

Littoral Records gets its own site

I've made the critical tactical error of dividing my available time into still tinier pieces by deciding to kick off a whole new website for one of my many side ventures, Littoral Records.

I'm trialling as a publishing platform for this, so we'll see how we go. So far, so good, but I have to wonder why they called it "squarespace" unless they really wanted to make it sound like a place for squares to hang-out. If they did, I've gone to the right place.

It's got several neato features, including:

  • A 30 day free trial

  • WYSIWYG inline editing

  • Snap-in content modules

  • Multiple contributors and account management

  • Templates that don't suck

  • A 30 day free trial!

Thursday, May 19

Farewell, sweet axe wielding riff maniac

Friend and workmake Mike resigned recently to work independently, for us as well as other clients of the newly-formed development company, Grox. It's the funniest resignation letter of the year, possibly the decade.

Mike Bissett
Unit 905/47
Cooper St
Surry Hills Sydney

Notice of Termination Of Contract

Dear Brad,

After an appropriate period of deliberation, I have come to the decision to tender my resignation from HomeScreen Entertainment, effective April 29th, 2005. Please know that I still maintain a high level of respect for you as a manager and colleague, and I thank you sincerely for the support and assistance you have offered me in each of those roles. I have been proud to work for HomeScreen over the past year and a half; it has been a journey that has provided me an unparalleled foundation to move forward to new and exciting opportunities.

As such, I have decided to become a professional Heavy metal musician. It has always been a dream of mine to live the life of an Axe wielding riff maniac, moving from town to town in a drunken haze, spreading the evil word of Satan. Once my band of dirty long haired Satan worshipers is assembled, we shall take to the road seeking fame fortune and the chance to get laid with the choice of our many assembled groupies.

Our path may not be filled with the porcine comforts and technological marvels that HomeScreen provides, but we shall nonetheless move forward to carve a name for ourselves in the annals of the Book of Heavy Metal. Once I have learnt to play the bass that PaulG has kindly lent me i believe I will find my true calling.

Please note that I am currently accepting applications for Lead Singer, Drummer and Lead Guitar, if you are at all interested in applying. I will provide a full medical and dental plan, which will offer immediate coverage of all non self inflicted maladies related to touring such as genital herpes and crabs.

With kind regards,

Michael Bissett

Tuesday, May 17

Thinking of sex with an action figure?

Still a little turned-on from the thought of having sex with a life-sized Jar Jar Bonks doll, I've spent a little more time on eBay in order to suggest some other great life-sized action figure items that might spice up your sex life:

  • A Superman statue carved with a chainsaw! He has no problems getting wood!

  • Like 'em big, dumb and hairy? Dress him or her up in this authentic Wookie costume.

  • Into the older generation, you are?

  • This one is "fibre-filled, with many embellishments..." Oh, I'm getting so wet!

  • I love a man in uniform

  • I don't think anyone is pretending that this is anything other than a sex doll

  • This listing's description even boasts of a "...large huge big horn" says it all for me

  • Strictly two-dimensional, but in this case, that makes it all the more realistic

So, let's pause and reflect on what we've learned on this little excursion. I've learned that there are just too many weird "life-sized" items for sale on eBay every day - so many, it stopped being funny - maybe it's something that we should all find disturbing instead?

George Lucas the Hutt

By the triple chins of Jabba, Chewie, get a load of the neck on George Lucas these days! He looks way too much like the offspring of an unholy union between Colonel Sanders and Boss Nass.

By the way, did you know that according to the Landover Baptist Church, you can buy a life-sized Jar Jar Binks sex doll?

"Meesah wanna takem Jar Jar now, Naboo-style, lovem long time, long time!"

Where do I get my own Jar Jar Bonks? According to those guardians of truth, justice and purity at the Church, it comes with ...four openings, and three extrusions, making it compatible for male or female pleasure! How good is that? And unlike a human female sex-doll, you don't have to pretend you're only using it to drive in the carpool lane - you only have to admit that you're a tragic Star Wars groupie (granted, only slightly less embarassing.)

I waded through 8 lengthy pages of eBay listings to find what I think is the doll in question, though I'm having a bit of trouble spotting the "openings" and "extrusions" they have in mind from the photos included in the listing. So, I've done the right thing and asked the seller a question about it:

Say, this is not the Jar Jar Binks doll that has been recommended as a sex toy, is it? If so, has it been dry-cleaned?

...I'll let you know what they say.

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