Bob on board, turn this plane back to Sydney!

Excellent idea! Any time there's a guy called Bob on a United Airlines flight from Sydney, turn that damn plane around, divert all other aircraft within 1000kms, carpet the airport with security and emergency services, and while we're at it, shadow it with fighter aircraft to shoot it down lest Bob attempt to parachute to safety!

Bob is dangerous! At least, Bob Garcia is. Well, perhaps 'dangerous' is over-stating it. Definitely nuts. Positively emotional. Listen, I've known him to do some pretty crazy things, and he drives like God looks out for Michigan Argentines, always-on-the-cell-phone, always-looking-at-you-telling-a-story-instead-of-watching-the-road. Don't ever let him at the controls of your 747. In fact you don't want him on the plane with you for 14 hours back to LA, especially not if the wines are complimentary.

Oh wait... you mean if we divert it back to Sydney we're actually flying the suspected bomb back to the centre of a city of four million people? And how can it be that we don't have any fighter aircraft capable of scrambling and intercepting a lumbering fully-laden 747 that's still 90 minutes away from Sydney? What if ALIENS ATTACK!?!?!? Have you people SEEN the film Independence Day? OK, by happy coincidence Will Smith is here publicising I, Robot, but that means nothing unless he's got some meaningful air transport - do you expect him to flap his arms? I LIVE UNDER THE FLIGHT-PATH!

So now I'm monitoring new eBay listings, waiting for a shoulder-launched surface-to-air weapon to be listed. You don't see them too often on eBay here in Australia but eBay Argentina? Well, that's a whole freer marketplace. As my friend Bob can tell you.

I'll take care of my own aviation security issues from now on, thankyou very much Mr John Anderson, Federal Transport Minister. And if a United Airlines pilot isn't over-reacting when he thinks "BOB" scrawled on a sick-bag is a bomb-threat, I'm sure you won't mind me bringing that puppy down with a heat-seeker between the exhaust vents. Over your house.