Monday, September 5

You'll find the sword in the bottom left drawer

Could I ever be as thoughtless and in such poor taste as Tony Abbott? Making jokes about John Brogden's suicide attempt following sexual harassment revelations?

I don't think so, though maybe I could if I really, really tried. Nevertheless, if it's possible to do so without appearing insensitive and tasteless, I'd like to find a way to encourage the general premise that politicians who f*ck-up should commit suicide. They should certainly be marked "not for resuscitation" if they give it a really good go. We should respect their wishes, and deliver a coup de grace if we come across them during or immediately after an attempt. If you find yourself in this situation:

  • First, establish whether the politician is concious. Keep in mind that conciousness is a relative state - it may be difficult to rouse some older politicians after midday even when no self-harm has been attempted, and they may have simply slipped over. Keep in mind that many National Party and Independent politicians may be rambling and incoherent as a normal state and will not require your assistance.

  • Reposition the politician in the 'coma non-recovery' position. Being seated in a comfy chair in a large, airy chamber full of other politicians will have them slipping gently away in no time.

  • Check the airways. If blocked, remove any items such as feet, hats, pork barrels, or classified documents that the politician may be choking on. Re-assemble them in a more air-tight manner and re-insert them, if necessary keeping the politician physically restrained until hypoxia eventually extinguishes any remaining brain cells.

  • Check for blood-loss. If there is evidence of blood loss, try to speed it up with any sharp object to hand. Remember that right-wing politicians are unlikely to have any blood at all. Left-wing politicians may be proficient at appearing as if they are bleeding, when in fact they are just fine. So hack away until you're really sure they're deceased.

  • Don't waste time trying to find a pulse. Chances are, there hasn't been one for quite some time.

  • Some more advanced politicians, particularly cabinet ministers, prime ministers and premiers, will still be able to function normally long after they are biologically dead. You must sever the head from the body, drive a stake through the heart, and/or cremate the corpse.

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